Common Questions about Vampires and Vampirism

vampire woes
Questions about Vampires

I agreed to produce the content for The London Vampire website in 2009, both as a cathartic outlet to make sense of my disposition but also to challenge the lies and folklore that persists online about vampires and what they are.  Several years on and the website has largely remained untouched whilst the hyper-reality of vampirism has continued to spread across popular culture like a disease.

Unchanged Banner of Site

One thing that has remained a constant throughout this time, however, is the absurd level of questions sent to me by people curious about vampirism and the occult.  I have listed some of the best and worst of them here with little commentaries/rants explaining why I felt it important to address them publically.  I have not edited the questions, spell-checked or done anything that would otherwise detract from the fact that the majority of people who contact me – including media professionals, university graduates and journalists – lack social intelligence and common courtesy.

The questions were either left on the website, sent via Facebook, Twitter or Myspace (yeah I know, a long time ago).  I have, of course, removed their emails addresses or reduced personal details to give them some dignity and prevent readers bludgeoning them to death with Dracula shaped dildos, however they know who they are.  I would also like to take this opportunity to apologise to those who contact me and never get a quick response; as you read these you’ll see why. Rest assured I do read everything – in time.

So prepare to hold your hand in your head and sigh with me as I confess to you, dear reader, some of my daily woes of being The London Vampire (Hunter)… or that bloke on the website who wears a mask.

Vampire Hunting - Sad Times
Anyone know of any noose salesmen?

In no particular order:

Dear Michaelson,

I have one serious question that im hoping you or Michael can answer: Are there any real ancient vampire prophecies? I have seen one supposed vampire prophecy but it doesnt answer my question about a dream I had recently. If youve got anything at all about ancient vampire prophecies, id appreciate you taking the time to reply. I was very pleased to have stumbled upon your website, it is very nicely put together, I hope to see more updates. Thanks, C

Okay, this is mild but very typical of what people send through.  They are reading an article, or they have a sleepover at their mates house and start telling ghost stories, then Lost Boys is shown on Film Four, followed by Eddie Murphy’s The Golden Child; people start eating blue cheese and then things start getting a bit hairy – they have crazy dreams!  And yes, that’s right, a few early morning Google searches later and it looks like I can be the man to help interpret these vivid vampire-inspired dreams.

Sadly I believe there are people who make a living out of convincing people that they can do this kind of stuff: I am not one of them.  I think I plainly ignored this email since they couldn’t even get the salutation right, but this shows what kind of stuff I’m up against.

HELLO. Can you change me a vampire? I want to do.I trust the vampires and you.And I believe it .I hope I will be a real vampire.please check me.Help me.

WTF?  Sadly, this person probably only came to my site because he was thrown out of a chat room or webcam show for making everyone want to smash their computer against the wall.  I don’t get these types of people – who wants to be a vampire?  If you’ve read my site, please tell me where it says I can change people into vampires!  This is a cultural problem, however, because people are so used to getting information instantly that they don’t bother reading things, as the next questions clearly demonstrate.

Hello, I work at BBC Radio WM and on the Adrian Goldberg show. I’m really interested in talking to some people from a local Vampire group in Birmingham and the Black Country and was wondering if you knew of any? Look forward to hearing from you. Natasha

Well wasn’t this jolly?  Of course, I hang out with vampires up and down the country all of the time and know where every single one lives, works and shops.  If you ever need to track down a vampire you can be sure that John Michaelson, based in London, has already tagged each one and stores their details along with all the Ashley Madison and Brazzers users he bought on the dark web.  I mean seriously, if this lady is a researcher for the BBC she should be sacked.  She’s not the only one, sadly; I get tweets all the time, like this one: hello John, would you like to appear on our Halloween special tonight via Skype? Very interested in your work. Let me know.

When that’s about as much effort as they make (less than 140 characters) – the answer was an automatic no (or blank).  This guy made a bit more of an effort, but assuming I was a member of a society showed me that he clearly hadn’t done his research thoroughly:

I am a Television Production student, and I would be extremely interested in talking to yourself and possibly the fellow vampires about The London Vampire. The piece is for my documentary module at University therefore it will be only be used for grading purposes, I am aware that the Vampire society is a private one therefore I am happy to accommodate any wishes you or the others may have to keep your identify private or any other wishes that is not problem.

Vampire Hunters Being Interviewed

I have done some media work but in hindsight it achieved nothing but provide someone with entertainment.  There is a unpublished piece of text somewhere that must read ‘I am happy to do anything if it gets me noticed or on TV’.  Most (not all) researchers and producers I have worked with showed a real lack of post-production courtesy by not sharing with me when or where the content was to be broadcast.  This has therefore spoiled future opportunities and the people I currently work with have frowned upon me for allowing our long-term investigations to be looked at in such a  light-hearted fashion.  But then the messages keep coming in.  Never say never, and all that. I still pray daily.

Check out this girl’s twitter rant – I didn’t even get a chance to reply because I was doing real investigatitive work, but I guess everyone just assumes I sit at home on the computer all day. TWEETs over a few days…

Feb 15

Hello; so you want to know more about vampires?

I know a lot about them but I would like your help uncovering something about them

My older brother, Magnus, was an apprentice to a vampire hunter by the name of Amaranth. They both worked for a creature hunting organization known as the Brotherhood of Earth. Amaranth soon took a complete 180 along with Magnus when Amaranth met up with his old ex, Albion, whom tended to be a centuries old creature. Around that time me and Magnus’ dad showed up, his name is Ulfric. He ended up being the same race as Albion, but much eviller. He has wanted Albion for centuries because he wants to mate with her in order to make the ultimate race to wipe out most of humanity (as in you will become livestock). But thats not all Magnus and I were the successful experiments made by Ulfric; we aren’t human but we aren’t evil either. Magnus has powers but I don’t because Ulfric put this mind lock on me- he’s scared of whatever I have… All Magnus and I want to do is save the world before Ulfric finds a loophole that doesn’t involve Albion having to mate with him… I would do this myself but I’m only 16 and know so much… My human adoptive parents don’t understand what is going on… Magnus, Amaranth, and Albion have been missing ever since Ulfric took over the Brotherhood of Earth and captured them… I haven’t seen them for 2 years… Please help me… I feel like you can help somehow.

K fuck you for not listening to me

I responded to that last one, only because I didn’t want her to kill herself.  I will, of course, support people whenever possible.  I could, however, if I really wanted to, have some dark and twisted fun with these people but I feel they’ve already been through enough.  They are vulnerable and need love at the end of the day.  The internet is a very cruel and hostile place driving good people away.

Smoking after a good exorcism - works for some vampires

Interesting website. I have come across so many before though claiming things and its usually linked to release of a film or a book. Also those incredibly annoying websites where wannabe goths hang out. So crude. It states here about 2012 and although I’m using an iPad to look at this (I don’t care about how great people claim Apple are) I can’t view things more in depth on it. I will look at this later on my laptop. Well done on a topic I have always found interesting. I had a scary incident when I was teenager. There was a field at the back of me. I was sleeping in my room where I heard tapping on my window. There were no trees near my window at all . I heard footsteps -two lots , running around my roof. Something heavy being dragged across it then little footsteps running around. I will never forget that as I heard most nights. The tapping like fingernails then a harder knock on my window. I remember crying to my religious ed teachers about it . Felt so dumb . I read a book on Exorcism in Edinburgh library in my 20s . It contained a story about a priest who was called in as a boy heard tapping on his window. Turns out the priest exorcised the vampire and took a ring. There was a photo in the book of the ring with a shield design and he believed it was from a family crest of vampires. I’ve been trying to track the book down since.

Was this a question or an anecdote? I didn’t really know how to respond.  Next…

Hi, I’m Alejandro. I’d like to answer a few questions … If you do not mind. I must leave clear, I’m not a teenager, or a child of seven years. Nor am I a TV reporter, or any magazine or newspaper. I’m just an ordinary citizen, which always interested in the subject of vampirism, for one reason or another. I wonder if you would let me see the documents he has, photographs, videos, of killing a vampire, or interview with a vampire. I think if it is true what you said, should know everyone. Starting with a grain of sand, we can create a large dune. In my humble internet research on vampires, I read a lot, as Egyptian legends about vampires, Native American, Russian, I have read, that vampirism is due to demonic possession, or a specific spirit … I have come to read the conversion is possible through witchcraft … On another website, I also read that vampirism is caused by a virus in www.f** page. But nobody shows their tests, which the space of doubt the veracity crushes. First, I believe that vampirism can be caused by the spiritual realm and possessed people, possess superhuman strength, superhuman agility, Things beyond human understanding. And also I think, that vampirism can be caused by a virus, which modify the DNA, introducing new genes, which provide features or some features of which legends and mythology talk about vampirism. In short, I believe that vampirism can exist, and if so, the whole world should know. If you provide me evidence, under the maximum anonymity, I promise silence, and if I see truth, I offer my help to you. I await your response. Att, Alejandro. From Barcelona, Spain.

There are some good and interesting questions/points in here.  Why don’t I show all the evidence?  Firstly, Michael’s journals and diaries are not only hard to read but they make very little sense.  Secondly, I messed up by putting up videos and photos online that were either reported or discredited by an army of trolls, I also rushed this strategy and damaged all credibility by not being thorough enough.  I could just continue to put stuff up online or scan everything in that I ever came across in but that would take lots of time and effort – and for whom?  I am thankful that I am working with a group of people who focus on doing rather than reacting.  I barely have time to sit and write an email let alone start sharing our work with cynics who only wish to discredit our ideology further.  I think the same person contacted me again with a journalistic angle and I responded as he did show a degree of courtesy and I coudn’t ignore some of his points.

Hello, I often read things on your website and just have a few questions. First of all, I remember I read you are a vampire hunter, so are there any other vampire hunters around London? Secondly, if vampires are different from the usual stereotypes, can you provide a realistic and detailed description of them? Last but not least, how can you think that people can help you just knowing more about this topic instead of hunting vampires as well? Why should someone believe in what you say without any proof?

This is common.  I don’t know of any ‘hunters’ that do exactly what I do, but there are conventional hunters who class themselves as ghost hunters and exorcists, and I’m sure Vampires come under some category or hourly rate cost.  I don’t hire my services and used the Hunter website purely as another way to direct people to what I have to say about vampires and traffickers.  Secondly, how can I describe a vampire that doesn’t have pointy ears, fangs and flies around in a cape?  I can’t differentiate between what I deal with – you would be surprised with the types of people involved in this hideous mess I am in.  I think people can help my cause, and that of their victims, by changing a widely held perception about what a vampire really is.  Vampires were never meant to be nice or cool or aspirational, a goth (in my opinion) is not a vampire.  The proof of trafficking, murder, cannibilism and exploitation of vulnerable adults and children is prevalent in the news and online – hourly – why do I need to hand pick this out for you?  Get out of your comfort zone and see for yourself.

This final one is just a bit of everything.  Perhaps you can reply on my behalf.  I can’t remember if I even did or not.

Dear Sir/Madam I am not a vampire and I don’t obsess over wanting to be one or anything, but, if I ever saw a vampire that was about to be attacked by a hunter, as a vampire lover, I would at least try to save them. I know that, if they do exist, a lot of vampires would probably be of the type that would only ever kill when absolutely necessary. They may well need to feed off of others in order to keep their lives, whether they be undead or not, or just to survive life-threatening situations. As for the religious arguments against them, I believe that the only reason why they are scared of crucifixes is because they are frequently stabbed with them. I also think that they may only get headaches from looking at them because they make them remember all of their friends and family that may have been stabbed by them. I also believe that something must be added to Holy water to make it burn vampires since just being blessed by anyone, even a priest or preacher, would not make it powerful enough to harm them. I have even heard that they may still be able to be Christians after they have been turned. All they would have to do is wear shades and fake body tan, not go to church on sunny days and avoid the Holy objects that could harm them. The vampire in the movie “Dark Shadows” certainly was not purely evil. He did kill a few people, but this was probably out of thirst, not out of brutality. He also saved a young girl from death by falling from a cliff. In the children’s film “The Little Vampire”, the main human character is saved by at least one vampire on two occasions; once from being hit by a truck and then again after he had been locked up in a coffin. There is also an old story that was written in 1914 called “Aylmer Vance and the Vampire”. This features a vampire that saves a couple from dying. Even old legends are not without good vampires. Although the idea of the Stregoni Benefici was used for the “Twilight” series, the legend did exist beforehand. These are good vampires that are archenemies with the evil ones, and these ones help sick people, too. Watch the documentary “Vampire Secrets”. On that one, they managed to use technology to prove that this one lady was definitely a psychic vampire (one that feeds off of the mental energy of others, as opposed to their blood). If she were really all that evil, would she not have been too dangerous to feature on the programme without being restrained? She was not restrained at any point in the documentary, by the way. Before we start bashing them for what they have supposedly done to humans, think about what humans have done to them. Throughout the years, according to movies, legends, books and other stories, humans have used Holy water to burn vampires, as well as tricking them and/or somehow keeping them in the sun, locking them in coffins and allowing them to suffocate, staking them through the heart and otherwise torturing, maiming and killing them. Think about it this way. You are a vampire. You are of the type that have vampiric traits in your appearance, such as pale skin and red eyes. You cannot go into any public place without experiencing persecution and having everyone else there afraid of you. You want to make friends, or even just ask someone something, but you cannot get near anyone without them backing away, insulting you and trying to ward you off, even though you have no intention of harming them. They just think that, because you are a vampire, you want to kill them. All you want to do is just ask them something or befriend them, and/or mind your own business, but you cannot do this because are so feared and persecuted. Everyone thinks that you just want to drain their blood, but you don’t. There are now loads of alternatives in which vampires can use to get the blood that they need to drink. Vampires can now drink fake blood, blood banks, animal blood* and even human blood that they will have collected or had collected from people, without killing them. Some vampires have even been known to heal any cut that they make after they have fed from the person. The person would probably then only get ill to the same extent as if they had the flu after that. They may even ask the person first before they feed and/or have a willing donor, if they are able to cope with their blood supply coming from just one person and not being all that varied. Just like with everything else, if they do exist, vampires could be friendly, peace-loving creatures as well. There is good and bad in everything. Yours Sincerely, Victoria

A nice image

This was just too much to deal with and I didn’t know what to say or where I would start.

This was not a comprehensive list of the most awkward and annoying questions I have had to deal with in nine years, just some of the most typical and common.

It’s also one of the reasons for me wanting to set the record straight and publish an unedited account of my day to day life, without jeopardizing those whom I work with.   This was, indirectly, brought about by this continuous type of random questioning, so I guess in some ways I can find a way to be thankful to them for wasting my time.

It’s good to ask questions and it’s good to discuss many of these ideas.  I will provide some excerpts from my stylised biography and then contrast this with my own autobiography and you will be able to have a clearer picture about who the real John Michaelson is and what a modern day vampire really has to deal with on a day to day basis. But you get to make that choice – I will not force it on you.

Until next time, whenever that will be, please stay safe and continue your investigations beyond a computer screen.




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