I agreed to produce the content for The London Vampire website in 2009, both as a cathartic outlet to make sense of my disposition but also to challenge the lies and folklore that persists online about vampires and what they are. Several years on and the website has largely remained untouched whilst the hyper-reality of vampirism has continued to spread across popular culture like a disease.
One thing that has remained a constant throughout this time, however, is the absurd level of questions sent to me by people curious about vampirism and the occult. I have listed some of the best and worst of them here with little commentaries/rants explaining why I felt it important to address them publically. I have not edited the questions, spell-checked or done anything that would otherwise detract from the fact that the majority of people who contact me – including media professionals, university graduates and journalists – lack social intelligence and common courtesy.
The questions were either left on the website, sent via Facebook, Twitter or Myspace (yeah I know, a long time ago). I have, of course, removed their emails addresses or reduced personal details to give them some dignity and prevent readers bludgeoning them to death with Dracula shaped dildos, however they know who they are. I would also like to take this opportunity to apologise to those who contact me and never get a quick response; as you read these you’ll see why. Rest assured I do read everything – in time.
So prepare to hold your hand in your head and sigh with me as I confess to you, dear reader, some of my daily woes of being The London Vampire (Hunter)… or that bloke on the website who wears a mask.
In no particular order:
I have one serious question that im hoping you or Michael can answer: Are there any real ancient vampire prophecies? I have seen one supposed vampire prophecy but it doesnt answer my question about a dream I had recently. If youve got anything at all about ancient vampire prophecies, id appreciate you taking the time to reply. I was very pleased to have stumbled upon your website, it is very nicely put together, I hope to see more updates. Thanks, C
Okay, this is mild but very typical of what people send through. They are reading an article, or they have a sleepover at their mates house and start telling ghost stories, then Lost Boys is shown on Film Four, followed by Eddie Murphy’s The Golden Child; people start eating blue cheese and then things start getting a bit hairy – they have crazy dreams! And yes, that’s right, a few early morning Google searches later and it looks like I can be the man to help interpret these vivid vampire-inspired dreams.
Sadly I believe there are people who make a living out of convincing people that they can do this kind of stuff: I am not one of them. I think I plainly ignored this email since they couldn’t even get the salutation right, but this shows what kind of stuff I’m up against.
HELLO. Can you change me a vampire? I want to do.I trust the vampires and you.And I believe it .I hope I will be a real vampire.please check me.Help me.
WTF? Sadly, this person probably only came to my site because he was thrown out of a chat room or webcam show for making everyone want to smash their computer against the wall. I don’t get these types of people – who wants to be a vampire? If you’ve read my site, please tell me where it says I can change people into vampires! This is a cultural problem, however, because people are so used to getting information instantly that they don’t bother reading things, as the next questions clearly demonstrate.
Hello, I work at BBC Radio WM and on the Adrian Goldberg show. I’m really interested in talking to some people from a local Vampire group in Birmingham and the Black Country and was wondering if you knew of any? Look forward to hearing from you. Natasha
Well wasn’t this jolly? Of course, I hang out with vampires up and down the country all of the time and know where every single one lives, works and shops. If you ever need to track down a vampire you can be sure that John Michaelson, based in London, has already tagged each one and stores their details along with all the Ashley Madison and Brazzers users he bought on the dark web. I mean seriously, if this lady is a researcher for the BBC she should be sacked. She’s not the only one, sadly; I get tweets all the time, like this one:
@thelondonvamp hello John, would you like to appear on our Halloween special tonight via Skype? Very interested in your work. Let me know.
When that’s about as much effort as they make (less than 140 characters) – the answer was an automatic no (or blank). This guy made a bit more of an effort, but assuming I was a member of a society showed me that he clearly hadn’t done his research thoroughly:
I am a Television Production student, and I would be extremely interested in talking to yourself and possibly the fellow vampires about The London Vampire. The piece is for my documentary module at University therefore it will be only be used for grading purposes, I am aware that the Vampire society is a private one therefore I am happy to accommodate any wishes you or the others may have to keep your identify private or any other wishes that is not problem.
I have done some media work but in hindsight it achieved nothing but provide someone with entertainment. There is a unpublished piece of text somewhere that must read ‘I am happy to do anything if it gets me noticed or on TV’. Most (not all) researchers and producers I have worked with showed a real lack of post-production courtesy by not sharing with me when or where the content was to be broadcast. This has therefore spoiled future opportunities and the people I currently work with have frowned upon me for allowing our long-term investigations to be looked at in such a light-hearted fashion. But then the messages keep coming in. Never say never, and all that. I still pray daily.
Check out this girl’s twitter rant – I didn’t even get a chance to reply because I was doing real investigatitive work, but I guess everyone just assumes I sit at home on the computer all day. TWEETs over a few days…
This was just too much to deal with and I didn’t know what to say or where I would start.
This was not a comprehensive list of the most awkward and annoying questions I have had to deal with in nine years, just some of the most typical and common.
It’s also one of the reasons for me wanting to set the record straight and publish an unedited account of my day to day life, without jeopardizing those whom I work with. This was, indirectly, brought about by this continuous type of random questioning, so I guess in some ways I can find a way to be thankful to them for wasting my time.
It’s good to ask questions and it’s good to discuss many of these ideas. I will provide some excerpts from my stylised biography and then contrast this with my own autobiography and you will be able to have a clearer picture about who the real John Michaelson is and what a modern day vampire really has to deal with on a day to day basis. But you get to make that choice – I will not force it on you.
Until next time, whenever that will be, please stay safe and continue your investigations beyond a computer screen.